I feel attacked and can’t breathe. Literally cannot breathe. There’s no one there and I’m alone. No scary person with evil eyes looking me in the face while their hands are wrapped around my neck as I scratch their arms attempting to fight for my life. There is no one there and I just can’t breathe. The room just got smaller, a chill ran right through me, what little noise I hear is thunderous, and everything I should have done for work was forgotten beneath the whispers. That piano I swallowed earlier is now swelling in my chest as hives are raised on my arms, back and belly. I had an anxiety attack today and it kicked my ass. My arms draped around my bended knees cradled. I’ll just lay here until I figure out how to organize the chaos.
It’s hard to continue the lie that you have it all together. I’m trying to work on myself, but I don’t know where to start. When the sky fell apart right in front of me, I didn’t know which part to pick up first, so I just found a cloud and bounced. Being on that cloud almost felt peaceful, but the silence was just too loud, and the remains of shambles and disarray bothered me to no end. I’ve started over so many times I’m just tired. Careers and humanity have just exasperated me.
I thought I was smart, until the mistakes showed me I wasn’t. I thought you wanted me, until you showed me you didn’t. I thought I wanted myself, until I just wanted to sleep.
So now what?
Whatever has happened has happened. This is where I’m at. I draw a bath, drink some wine, watch a movie and just be still in the movement. The raised hives begin fade, slowly stretch like a swan, exhale, and then I try again tomorrow.